3rd Jan 2012

In retrospect it was a fine idea to take the hounds, and never let it be said that Argyll can't take control of a situation. I arrived in the village to find a tree had fallen through the Post Mistress' house, and there were some casualties here, a couple of amputations needed but nothing to halt the campaign as I saw it. I proceeded down the main street at a good gallop, well ahead of my pack, trumpeting my presence to all and sundry to let them know some order was about to be restored. Darwin had driven ahead in a motorised carriage, and I found him in conversation with a young fire chief. I overheard something about "frightened children", possibly having been "blown away", but nothing conclusive, so I pulled hard on the reins and sidled up to the pair of them to see what was to do. "Children missing?" I cried. "Then by God, damn lucky I brought the hounds. They'll round 'em up in a thrice, mark my words!"

I took a good swig of port and then blew the horn to rally the troops. This whipped the pack up into a frenzy, and off we galloped, following the wind to find the missing urchins. We galloped up to the top of the hill, but there were no blow-aways up there, so we galloped back down again. The pack had some sport with the sheep going both ways, but this was of little consequence when there were lives to be saved. I then set out to circle the village, making sure that there were no missing children in the gardens or the allotments – hard riding, vaulting their little garden fences – before charging back down the main street to make my report. I also needed to re-port, so I took another draught as I halted alongside a gaggle of wailing villagers. "Check the wells, damn you, they must have fallen down the wells!", I advised. The panting hounds had now caught up again, and were restless and hungry – indeed they were for more blood after the savage hiding they'd meted out to the sheep on the hill, so with a toot of my horn we again poured back up the main street, past the admiring townsfolk, and back to the safety of Inverary to reflect on the night's adventure.

It is now approaching noon, and I have several engagemnets after luncheon (mutton chops). The mayor of the village has asked to see me, no doubt to thank me for looking after things last night and probably to ask me to advise him on how to deal with future emergencies; and then Larkins of all people has an appointment at 4. The devil take the man, he has been nothing but a disappointment since I awarded him his parcel of land last year. Democracy in these things should never be allowed, but they tell me I must allow these things. Democracy doesn't get you round the Horn, I tell them. "Never in a month of Sundays would Democracy get you round the Horn!" Damn their eyes !

Darwin has just gonged for luncheon.

2nd Jan 2012

"By God, Darwin", I roared. "But doesn't this just remind you of going round the Cape?" I wasn't sure if he had heard me above the howling wind, so I loosed off both barrels in the general direction of the orchard, both to get his attention and to ward off any would-be scrumpers. He came lolloping over. "The Cape, Darwin! Do you see? The Cape, I say!"

I like to get up in the rigging on days like this, so we had been up on the battlements for most of the morning, admiring God's bellows as He tried His damndest to blow Inverary back whence it came. He was putting up a good show too, there hasn't been a wind like this up here for some time. Damn fine ballooning weather, but bloody silly weather for much else. You can see for miles up here, and I could make out Larkins' bothy even today, sandy coloured against the dull green of the hillside. I thought to myself that weather like this would be a shock to his system, blast him.

Pollard joined me for luncheon (goose) as she does not begin her full range of activities until after Epiphany, she tells me, and she started on to me again about the cottages. "But solid foundations and basic sanitation will in years to come be recognised as the origins of a more productive workforce," she argued. I don't think it will do, and I told her so. "It will never do" , I said, but I don't think I have heard the end of the matter. After port I informed the Duchess that I had papers to attend to and retired to the library.

Most of the afternoon had been taken up with planning my next voyage, so I had my maps out when Darwin came in with a telegram towards nightfall. It seems that there has been some damage done in the area by the weather, possibly some villagers missing, but it was all very vague. "This is not news", I growled. "Darwin, this is flim-flam. I deal in facts, man, facts!" I have had him saddle Belgrano, and I am going to ride over and take command of the situation myself. It will allow me to give the hounds a run out as well, so two birds, and so on.

Twas Not Ever Thus...

Documents have recently come to light suggesting that The Dukes of Argyll & Northumberland actually collaborated on the cricket field in the early 1700s. The below excerpt from Wisden 1912 about the cricketing career of the Duke of Hamilton shows Argyll to have been on the receiving end of a hiding from Hamilton on the cricket field, but it also suggests that he had the last laugh...

"In 1712 the second British Ambassador to France was named as the Duke of Hamilton, a wily leg-break bowler who, whilst on shore leave from seeing off the Spanish & French during the Wars of the Spanish Succession (1701 - 1714) was the scourge of the Home Counties, once taking a contentious 8-14 against a combined Dukes of Argyll & Northumberland XI at Arundel in 1708. At the time of his appointment as Ambassador to France, Hamilton was keen to use cricket in that country as a diplomatic tool and had envisaged a series of cricketing contests to be played in the Tuileries Gardens between the British Embassy and representatives of the Grande Armée, the Palace, and « any Teame being namely French, that should containe Whom-so-ever it be desired, but to number not more than twentye stoute Menne ». To ensure that his diplomatic retinue would have the edge over their future opponents, Hamilton not only had net facilities built ahead of his arrival in the garden of the British Embassy (which are still used to this day), but also conscripted the entire Essex team of 1711 as part of his Diplomatic Guard and had them ready to board the Viscount Marlborough at Portsmouth in September 1712.

Before setting sail to France, and before he could join his newly founded Diplomatic Guard on the quayside at Portsmouth, Hamilton had untertaken to meet the Duke of Argyll in Winchester to settle a long-running dispute relating to the supposed bribing of an umpire at Arundel with quantities of Port. This meeting resulted in Hamilton's untimely and unfortunate death ; the consequent liberation of the Essex cricket team ; and a postponement of cricket as a diplomatic channel in France which would last well into the 19th Century when the Duke of Wellington bowled Napoleon Bonaparte round his legs in a single-wicket competition held on the island of St Helena in 1821.

During the 20th century, cricket has played an important rôle at the British Embassy in Paris, and it is said that an ability to play with a straight bat on an uncovered wicket was as important an attribute for a potential ambassador as a Good War or even Good Connections. To this day,The British Embassy in Paris has never been defeated at cricket by any representative team of the French Government. To commermorate this remarkable statistic a toast is drunk annually at H.M. Ambassador's Garden Party to « The cricket men of Essex, to England, and to Her Majesty's Cricket Team in Paris »."

FACODA on Twitter

The Duke can now follow Su Pollard's career more closely by monitoring her every move on Twitter! Important FACODA bulletins will also be released on Twitter by the Duke, things such as who has been awarded Land, the last-known whereabouts of Northumberland, any interesting dishes eaten, jousts enjoyed or campaigns undertaken, and so forth. Please do feel free to Follow the Duke as he continues to battle against the Modern World and discover New Worlds, mainly by boat. FACODA is known to Twitter as FACODA_HQ

Follow @FACODA_HQ

FACODA People's Choice Hero Awards 2011 - VOTE NOW >>>>>>>>>>>>>

Once again the Duke will be awarding a small parcel of land adjoining Inverary Castle to the 2011 FACODA Hero (People's Choice). This annual award is made to the person who has performed the most extraordinary feats at the behest of the Duke. This year's winner will be announced on the 20th of June and will be expected to take up residence next to Daley Thompson, last year's winner, before Michaelmas. The nominees for this year's award are:

Wayne Larkins, famous sportsman.

The Duke of Northumberland, sworn enemy of the Duke

Joe Mangel, Australian politician

Trevor MacDonald, Children's Entertainer

Cannon & Ball, hosts of News at 10

Cast your vote now using the FACODA Vote-O-Meter on the right hand side! In the event of a tie, pistols shall be used.

Canadians Apply Pressure on the Duke

A company of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police presented themselves at Inverary on Tuesday with a petition containing 4500023 signatures demanding the elevation of The Littlest Hobo to the rank of Sergeant General FACODA, Quadruped Battalion. The Canadian government debated the issue in Parliament during an emergency late night session on the 24th – 25th November, whilst diplomatic pressure has been applied on The Duke from Canadian quarters for some years.

It is thought the Duke’s stance on the matter is softening, not least as the Canadians have threatened to reduce his Annual Bag of 7000 Moose, 240 Bears, 52 squirrels and unlimited whaling rights to the rather less sporting 50 head of Moose, 16 squirrels, no bears and just 120 whales. The Duke’s Canadian Annual Bag was a gift in perpetuity bestowed on the previous Duke by George V for Services to Christendom, and represents one of the highlights of the Duke’s early season trials.

The Duke is due to sail in early February 2011 with a reduced party of some 130 porters, magicians and cooks, in the company of FACODA notables (B. Ferry among their number) and candidates for FACODA membership, who this year include Wayne Larkins, scion of the 1980’s England cricket and darts teams, athlete Daley Thompson and Sir Trevor MacDonald. It is not thought that the Duke would wish to alter his plans at this late stage, which also helps the Canadian cause.

A FACODA delegation will meet with The Littlest Hobo in Vancouver to discuss the matter further. The Littlest Hobo has been a great help to the people of Canada over the past 40 years, and was credited with single-handedly stemming a crime epidemic which swept the country in the early 1980s. Amongst his finest achievements are:

• Rescuing a politician's son from kidnappers.
• Aiding elderly people fleeing a retirement home.
• Protecting an elderly prospector from greedy land-grabbers.
• Helping a young handicapped boy start his own business.
• Apprehending cattle rustlers preying on a rancher.

It is understood that Daley Thompson is also keen to see The Littlest Hobo elevated, and unless evidence is forthcoming to suggest he is of bad character, it looks increasing likely that Thompson and the Canadian people will see their wish realised before lent.

International Student Integration

International Student Integration

All too often international students studying in a foreign country find themselves drawn towards their own compatriots or people with whom they have their native language in common. This holds true for both socialising outside of the classroom as well as when forming study groups and networks within the school. At XXXX [name of school withheld] we do our utmost to ensure that students who wish to participate fully in the cross-cultural experience have every advantage when it comes to integrating into French daily life, both inside and outside the campus. Some of our initiatives include:

• The Bureau des Etudiants

The Bureau des Etudiants, or BdE, is a non-political student run organisation which, financed by the school, organises the student associations, sports clubs, discos, roller skating trips to the cinema, boating trips on the Seine, croissant banquets and pétanque. International students are helped to fit into the French way of life through various unique initiatives, all administered by the BdE. For example, students are encouraged to smoke 40 Gauloises a day and to wear a beret from the moment they touch down in France. Stripy tops are handed out on the first day of term, and by the beginning of the third week of classes you will be expected to sport a moustache and to all have procured a neckerchief. To help you remain in character, special student “Gauleiters” roam the corridors with dogs looking out for anybody who strikes them as foreign, and they are empowered to issue on the spot justice to suspects. This typically French form of fun could mean being made to wear a sandwich board with a brightly painted slogan on such as “I buy my coffee at an American chain”, or perhaps having one’s head shaved before being chased naked through the streets whilst tied on to a donkey, backwards.

These and many more such initiatives help encourage the international population to integrate with their French peers as quickly as they are realistically able to. The banning of foreign languages on campus (lapses into foreign are treated by asking the offenders to stand in a barrel of icy water for a pre-determined length of time) in 1940 is just one of the measures which we feel makes our school a place of modern academic excellence and enlightenment.

Lib Dems tried to ban Fireworks in 2005

FACODA can today reveal that in 2005, the Liberal Democrats made an audacious attempt to limit an Englishman's right to play with fireworks in public, willy-nilly. Spearheaded by Jeremy Browne, MP for Taunton, the Lib Dems made thinly veiled threats to involve the police in what should have been a wonderful city centre show for his own constituents. These documents, released under the FACODA four year rule, will send shockwaves through Westminster and are sure to embarrass the Liberals ahead of this season's hustings. It is unclear what was behind Browne's killjoy scheme. However it is rumoured that the fact he wouldn't have been able to attend the "spectacular finale" to the planned events himself may have led him to try and implement a blanket ban, just to spoil everybody else's fun.

Art Historian Bryan Ferry lends his support.

A regular performer at the Duke's annual children's garden parties, art historian and minstrel Bryan Ferry is proud to have been associated with FACODA for a number of years. Only too happy to lend his support, he donated this personalised picture in 2005 to be presented to the Duke at the surprise "This is your life" event which was held near Inverary Castle itself.

A rare excerpt from "Raj Ahoy!", Duke of Argyll, 1907. Page 257.

... me approaching from the elephant enclosure. It was a rare opportunity to witness our natives and their natives interacting at an indentured level. "Where the devil have you stowed it! By God, you will feel my wrath", whispered Mr Humphreys at the startled Hindustan. "I will thrash your eyes!" I perceived that there was some unpleasantness, and I was pleased to have my Blunderbuss with me as well as Darwin. Were this business to escalate, a baring of his teeth and a threat to let him of the leash might be enough to quell the threat. Humphreys was continuing to berate the unfortunate fellow, but for what reason I knew not. "There is a quart pot missing, treacherous fiend, and I will have it back!" So! Theft was afoot. And where Theft leads, is Murder apt to follow. I gave Darwin a jab to check he was awake.

The Hindustan was hopping from foot to foot and gesticulating towards the elephant enclosure where I presently lay undiscovered. What was he trying to say? I caught Humphreys' next words and my blood froze. "If the Duke were to hear of you taking his Lisbon Wine, he would skin you alive, scurvy dog!" Oh dear, I thought, they've woken up to the dropping of the Port stocks, but fingered the wrong fellow. Does the Hindustan know I am but a few feet away? Does he know, is that why he is pointing and squeaking thus? I knew that I had to intervene, but fearing mutiny, I dared not let the men suspect me of drinking their Lisbon Wine.

I resolved to action, and letting my blunderbuss make my entrance I aimed above the pair of them and pulled the trigger. "Ho!" I called, "What is this talk of Lisbon Wine?" Darwin ambled at my side as I revealed myself from the elephant enclosure. (I should note that the elephants were no more startled by my eruption than they would have been by my smoking a pipe. Calm under fire, that's what I look for in a hunting steed.) Humphreys looked rare pleased to see me arrive and started to speak. "Stay your tongue!", I commanded. The Hindustan started to jabber and chirrup in my general direction. Thinking on my feet I ...

The Duke rewards Excellence

The Duke was in belligerent mood following this snub from petrol company Shell in 2005 / 2006. His efforts to reward excellence on the forecourt were ignored by Shell executives, leading the Duke to forego his motorised carriage for some weeks in protest.

At the time he had to be physically restrained and force-fed laudanum in order to prevent him from riding south to challenge Turner, Grimsell and Rasmussen to pistols.

The Duchess

By way of introducing you to some of his entourage, the Duke has released this recent image of his muse, his inspiration, his rock. Su Pollard, aka The Duchess.

Greetings from Inverary

As President of the Friends And Comrades of the Duke of Argyll, I would like to welcome you to the new FACODA web page. Now that you are directly linked to Inverary Castle you shall all have the opportunity to keep abreast of the Duke's progress, and to support him in his various endeavours.

The Duke has hitherto chosen to keep much of his good work unknown to all but a select, happy few. With the end drawing ever nearer however, he has decided that some of his papers must now become available to his noble followers at large. What papers do I speak of? You may well ask. I will be producing some of his finest works from yesteryear as well as presenting the Duke's ever growing body of work. All of which should add up to being a great contribution to the sum total of mankind's knowledge.