FACODA People's Choice Hero Awards 2011 - VOTE NOW >>>>>>>>>>>>>

Once again the Duke will be awarding a small parcel of land adjoining Inverary Castle to the 2011 FACODA Hero (People's Choice). This annual award is made to the person who has performed the most extraordinary feats at the behest of the Duke. This year's winner will be announced on the 20th of June and will be expected to take up residence next to Daley Thompson, last year's winner, before Michaelmas. The nominees for this year's award are:

Wayne Larkins, famous sportsman.

The Duke of Northumberland, sworn enemy of the Duke

Joe Mangel, Australian politician

Trevor MacDonald, Children's Entertainer

Cannon & Ball, hosts of News at 10

Cast your vote now using the FACODA Vote-O-Meter on the right hand side! In the event of a tie, pistols shall be used.

Canadians Apply Pressure on the Duke

A company of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police presented themselves at Inverary on Tuesday with a petition containing 4500023 signatures demanding the elevation of The Littlest Hobo to the rank of Sergeant General FACODA, Quadruped Battalion. The Canadian government debated the issue in Parliament during an emergency late night session on the 24th – 25th November, whilst diplomatic pressure has been applied on The Duke from Canadian quarters for some years.

It is thought the Duke’s stance on the matter is softening, not least as the Canadians have threatened to reduce his Annual Bag of 7000 Moose, 240 Bears, 52 squirrels and unlimited whaling rights to the rather less sporting 50 head of Moose, 16 squirrels, no bears and just 120 whales. The Duke’s Canadian Annual Bag was a gift in perpetuity bestowed on the previous Duke by George V for Services to Christendom, and represents one of the highlights of the Duke’s early season trials.

The Duke is due to sail in early February 2011 with a reduced party of some 130 porters, magicians and cooks, in the company of FACODA notables (B. Ferry among their number) and candidates for FACODA membership, who this year include Wayne Larkins, scion of the 1980’s England cricket and darts teams, athlete Daley Thompson and Sir Trevor MacDonald. It is not thought that the Duke would wish to alter his plans at this late stage, which also helps the Canadian cause.

A FACODA delegation will meet with The Littlest Hobo in Vancouver to discuss the matter further. The Littlest Hobo has been a great help to the people of Canada over the past 40 years, and was credited with single-handedly stemming a crime epidemic which swept the country in the early 1980s. Amongst his finest achievements are:

• Rescuing a politician's son from kidnappers.
• Aiding elderly people fleeing a retirement home.
• Protecting an elderly prospector from greedy land-grabbers.
• Helping a young handicapped boy start his own business.
• Apprehending cattle rustlers preying on a rancher.

It is understood that Daley Thompson is also keen to see The Littlest Hobo elevated, and unless evidence is forthcoming to suggest he is of bad character, it looks increasing likely that Thompson and the Canadian people will see their wish realised before lent.

International Student Integration

International Student Integration

All too often international students studying in a foreign country find themselves drawn towards their own compatriots or people with whom they have their native language in common. This holds true for both socialising outside of the classroom as well as when forming study groups and networks within the school. At XXXX [name of school withheld] we do our utmost to ensure that students who wish to participate fully in the cross-cultural experience have every advantage when it comes to integrating into French daily life, both inside and outside the campus. Some of our initiatives include:

• The Bureau des Etudiants

The Bureau des Etudiants, or BdE, is a non-political student run organisation which, financed by the school, organises the student associations, sports clubs, discos, roller skating trips to the cinema, boating trips on the Seine, croissant banquets and pétanque. International students are helped to fit into the French way of life through various unique initiatives, all administered by the BdE. For example, students are encouraged to smoke 40 Gauloises a day and to wear a beret from the moment they touch down in France. Stripy tops are handed out on the first day of term, and by the beginning of the third week of classes you will be expected to sport a moustache and to all have procured a neckerchief. To help you remain in character, special student “Gauleiters” roam the corridors with dogs looking out for anybody who strikes them as foreign, and they are empowered to issue on the spot justice to suspects. This typically French form of fun could mean being made to wear a sandwich board with a brightly painted slogan on such as “I buy my coffee at an American chain”, or perhaps having one’s head shaved before being chased naked through the streets whilst tied on to a donkey, backwards.

These and many more such initiatives help encourage the international population to integrate with their French peers as quickly as they are realistically able to. The banning of foreign languages on campus (lapses into foreign are treated by asking the offenders to stand in a barrel of icy water for a pre-determined length of time) in 1940 is just one of the measures which we feel makes our school a place of modern academic excellence and enlightenment.

Lib Dems tried to ban Fireworks in 2005

FACODA can today reveal that in 2005, the Liberal Democrats made an audacious attempt to limit an Englishman's right to play with fireworks in public, willy-nilly. Spearheaded by Jeremy Browne, MP for Taunton, the Lib Dems made thinly veiled threats to involve the police in what should have been a wonderful city centre show for his own constituents. These documents, released under the FACODA four year rule, will send shockwaves through Westminster and are sure to embarrass the Liberals ahead of this season's hustings. It is unclear what was behind Browne's killjoy scheme. However it is rumoured that the fact he wouldn't have been able to attend the "spectacular finale" to the planned events himself may have led him to try and implement a blanket ban, just to spoil everybody else's fun.

Art Historian Bryan Ferry lends his support.

A regular performer at the Duke's annual children's garden parties, art historian and minstrel Bryan Ferry is proud to have been associated with FACODA for a number of years. Only too happy to lend his support, he donated this personalised picture in 2005 to be presented to the Duke at the surprise "This is your life" event which was held near Inverary Castle itself.

A rare excerpt from "Raj Ahoy!", Duke of Argyll, 1907. Page 257.

... me approaching from the elephant enclosure. It was a rare opportunity to witness our natives and their natives interacting at an indentured level. "Where the devil have you stowed it! By God, you will feel my wrath", whispered Mr Humphreys at the startled Hindustan. "I will thrash your eyes!" I perceived that there was some unpleasantness, and I was pleased to have my Blunderbuss with me as well as Darwin. Were this business to escalate, a baring of his teeth and a threat to let him of the leash might be enough to quell the threat. Humphreys was continuing to berate the unfortunate fellow, but for what reason I knew not. "There is a quart pot missing, treacherous fiend, and I will have it back!" So! Theft was afoot. And where Theft leads, is Murder apt to follow. I gave Darwin a jab to check he was awake.

The Hindustan was hopping from foot to foot and gesticulating towards the elephant enclosure where I presently lay undiscovered. What was he trying to say? I caught Humphreys' next words and my blood froze. "If the Duke were to hear of you taking his Lisbon Wine, he would skin you alive, scurvy dog!" Oh dear, I thought, they've woken up to the dropping of the Port stocks, but fingered the wrong fellow. Does the Hindustan know I am but a few feet away? Does he know, is that why he is pointing and squeaking thus? I knew that I had to intervene, but fearing mutiny, I dared not let the men suspect me of drinking their Lisbon Wine.

I resolved to action, and letting my blunderbuss make my entrance I aimed above the pair of them and pulled the trigger. "Ho!" I called, "What is this talk of Lisbon Wine?" Darwin ambled at my side as I revealed myself from the elephant enclosure. (I should note that the elephants were no more startled by my eruption than they would have been by my smoking a pipe. Calm under fire, that's what I look for in a hunting steed.) Humphreys looked rare pleased to see me arrive and started to speak. "Stay your tongue!", I commanded. The Hindustan started to jabber and chirrup in my general direction. Thinking on my feet I ...

The Duke rewards Excellence

The Duke was in belligerent mood following this snub from petrol company Shell in 2005 / 2006. His efforts to reward excellence on the forecourt were ignored by Shell executives, leading the Duke to forego his motorised carriage for some weeks in protest.

At the time he had to be physically restrained and force-fed laudanum in order to prevent him from riding south to challenge Turner, Grimsell and Rasmussen to pistols.